Incomplete communication equals upsets
Know this, if you have an unresolved issue, it is because you have not communicated about it enough or you have tried but left some things unsaid probably because the other person invalidated your reach or they turned around and made you wrong or you are just afraid of pushing through seemingly difficult barriers.
People block communication from other people because they have no idea that other people have their own world that computes things differently from their world and will express things differently. So instead of just listening and comparing notes to reach a resolve in a situation they try to control it or stop it, insisting on their own way.
Mixing communication is the most common and destructive thing in a couple’s communication. One is upset about something and the other takes it personal and goes into retaliation mode and brings up loads of other issues of their own and then the other comes back with their own take on it and before long no one knows where it all started and the blame game is in the fore with all the destruction in it’s wake. All this creates incomplete communication and more upsets, leaves cycles hanging and heavy with tension.
When one partner is upset it is better for the other to go into the listening mode, just listening till the other partner has fully expressed their self. Only then the other can apologize if they are the cause of the upset, and then put across facts concerning the issue from their own point of view, answer any questions if they are any and this completes the cycle of that communication.
AND THEN, Only then, can they originate their own issues or upsets that could have arisen from the upset. This is opening a new cycle of communication even though it may be related to the other cycle. Like saying, “You know with your past upset, I also got upset because of this this this this.” The other partner, not being upset anymore, is able to accommodate the other in a similar fashion as happened with their own upset. At the end of those two or more cycles, the couple effectively handle issues without mixing cycles and this creates more harmony and understanding. This way the couple effectively listen and give each other support in their communication cycles regardless of who the upset is directed at. The couple is taking turns to express upsets and this gives them time to listen to each other and complete all the communication cycles.
One who chooses not to communicate when it’s appropriate stores that energy and will communicate that very thing when it’s least expected at another time in some other cycle. Only this time around it resurfaces as inappropriate. It is being expressed at a time when something else is going on creating confusion to the current communication. This is because it was not expressed at the time it should have been expressed and was stored somewhere within the body. The body has to get rid of it and so it will bring it up when it’s least appropriate.
A lot of times a relationship is well over way before it really is over. It is mostly due to lack of communication, the suppression of communication or part communication. To stop talking about something before a full understanding is reached is half a communication that lays dormant to torment the couple at some other stage.
Suppression of communication comes in two ways. One way is when partners suppress how they feel about situations in the name of politeness or what they believe are social norms or etiquette. Nothing is ever suppressed forever. Our bodies are about experiencing things and letting them flow as energy. Communicating and taking action is how we do that. When that flow is inhibited at any given point, it will spill out at another time in the form of something else. It can be gossip, judgement, resentment, disease and in extreme cases violence or suicide. There is no point to suppress communication because it always finds a way to come out of the body, always.
Any emotions that are forcefully suppressed become a disease within the body and the relationship. They are being stored where they shouldn’t. It is healthy for every couple to allow each other full expression of all emotions. This is not easy but it’s possible.
By just listening, the listener can pick on what they can repair if they are the cause of the upset and discuss a way forward. There is no qualification of how much the other person gets upset. The only condition is that an upset should not go into name calling. Name calling is a veering away from a problem at hand. It is blocking the other person from expressing their upset. This doesn’t solve the problem at hand except create resentment. The more one suppresses communicating the more they are strange and unreasonable in their communication. Whenever there is an upset stick to the problem at hand, don’t handle it by getting personal and putting down the other party. Manhandling a problem never works.
Another requirement is the ability of the partner in the listening mode to just listen, to steel them-self against judging, to accept the other’s communication, to allow the other to communicate without taking it personal. Accepting another’s communication does not necessarily mean agreeing with what the other says. This is an interesting point. Very few people communicate to this level. There will always be disagreements, loads and loads of them but there will arise respect and understanding of each other from fully communicating. It is like walking through a wall of fire but it’s the only way to get to the other side where the delectable nuggets are. All the ugly things will come up but that is altered Nature’s creative force being dissipated for you! It has to. Click here to get the full explanation of this creative force concept.